I'm Moving...

I realise it has been ages since I've posted here, and there's a reason for that.

There have been a number of instances where I wanted to blog, but couldn't be bothered signing in etc, because I set this up under a different email to my regular email address. Thus, because Blogger is owned by Google, I have to sign out of one gmail, then into the other, and then into here, and it's just a hassle when all I want to do is blog.

So, I'm moving. You'll now be able to find my blog over at http://thewordsoflucas.tumblr.com/

This way, I can easily manage it. It'll still be the same type of blog, while my other tumblr (http://iamlucasjc.tumblr.com/) will be where I'm using it more as a social networking space. This move is only for ease of use, and more regular updates.

Now, sadly I am not technically gifted enough to import my Blogger posts into tumblr, this site will remain up, so should you feel so inclined, you can go back and read old posts.

Anyways, I'm not expecting all of you to convert over, and that's fine. I just need a blogging space as an outlet.

Kia Ora,

Lucas.

Life Plans

Lots of people I know seem to be going through a stage in their life where they think about what the hell they are going to do with themselves. Since I'm approaching 20, and in the last year of my degree, I too have now begun to wonder what I'm going to do when I become a real person.

A number of ideas have crossed my mind. One is to stay at uni, and get a Masters degree. I could quite happily do that, but then I'd still have no idea what the fuck my degree is going to let me do. So while it gives me time to think, I don't think it's going to help overly in the long run.

Another option was move to Wellington. I thought that maybe my degree in Politics can land me some kind of job in the field (funny that), and what better place to do that than in the nation's capital. Not only that, but Wellington is just a fucking cool city. When I go I never want to leave.

Then the experience of Europe opened my eyes to something new. 2 places where I would consider moving: London, or learn French and live in Montmartre in Paris. There is a charm about both places, and it's so far removed from my former life, I think it would finally give me some space to grow up. I really like the idea, but then I isolate myself from all of my friends, which I don't like the thought of. I really like my friends.

Yet another option is to go to India for 6 months to a year. I'm going to do this at some point in my life, but I think that the sooner I do it, the more impact it will have on my life. I don't want to go there at 45, have a realisation, and then say, "Well fuck, I'm too old to do anything about it now". Fuck that.

The final option is to just give up. Give the fuck up on everything, work a shit job, and focus on making a career out of music. I like to envision myself getting my music out there, and making some kind of decent living off it. I don't want to be famous, per se, but just want to have the ability to live comfortably doing something I love. This is really the dream, and even if I do live like shit for the rest of my life, at least I'll be doing something that I love. Yet, parents and friends have opinions, and it will probably bring them great disappointment to find me living like a bum.

My attitude right now is fuck it. I've got at least a year to figure this out. Some options will eliminate themselves. Some I'll give up on. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy this year, because it's possibly the last time I'll get to enjoy being in the same circle of friends I have now.

Electro.

I think I've figured out why I love electronic music so much.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. What it seems to boil down to is a sense of detachment. Electronic music can't be created without technology. While you could argue that technology is made by man, unless you actually create the technology yourself, you can't claim to have done all of the work on the music yourself. You need some form of assistance. So you become somewhat separated from the music that you have made.

This ties into the drug culture of the music too. Things like MDMA produce a kind of out of body experience. It's a detachment from self, and a detachment from others. By putting yourself in this zone, you open the door to thinking about ethereal ideas.

Maybe I'm reaching to deep into this, but it seems to explain the feelings that I had when I first listened to electronically produced music. My mind felt opened up to a whole new world. This was experienced most profoundly when I discovered dubstep. From the moment I heard it, I was in love. It was so obscure, and was almost impossible to relate to, but whenever I hear it, I feel connected. I feel every move in the music, almost predicting where it should go next, and feeling a great sense of satisfaction when it does that, or when it tears down my expectations and goes somewhere else. Yet, there is nothing tying me to the music. I love this sense of connection through detachment.

I could write a whole philosophical discourse on this idea, but I'll leave it at that. I don't want to bore you. I'll just leave you with one of my favourite dubstep tracks of all time. If you don't like it, I don't mind. It's quite progressive, so it may seem a bit harsh on the ears.

Enough talking, more music:

Meditation

My philosophy teacher in high school is the most amazing guy.

Every Friday, instead of doing anything in class, he would take us to the chapel (yes, it was a catholic school), and we would all lie down, listen to music, and meditate. At the time, I used to think of it really as just a time to not do any work and chill out, but looking back, I think it had a profound effect. 

2006, my last year of high school, would probably rank as one of the best years of my life. I really enjoyed myself. I never worried about anything. Past, present or future, none of it mattered. I was just enjoying life.

Since then, I've found myself in a downward spiral. I'm too afraid to use the word 'depressed', because I think that's offensive to those who are actually clinically diagnosed with depression. I've been getting steadily worse though. Sure, I still enjoy my life in general, but I get more worried, I smoke more, I drink more, take drugs etc. I'm no longer in a happy little bubble.

Still, I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up. Yet, lately, I found I often feel better if I spend some time just meditating. In the short term, I find it quite draining. This is because I'm not practicing zen meditation, where the object is to clear the mind. Instead, I flood my mind. I bring out everything that's been troubling me, and reflect on it. Then I feel like I do right now: fucking horrible. I will go to bed, probably have an awful sleep, and just feel crap.

However, it's the after effects which I aim for. For the next week or so, life is good. So for me, that's the price to pay. Have one fucking awful night a week, and life will be good for the next while.

It won't work for everyone. This is just how I do it. And it's how I end up blogging too. :P

Her.

People seem to be intrigued by the woman introduced in the first chapter. So as another little teaser, here is their first conversation. I trust it'll leave you wanting more ;)

“How much?”

“30, 50”

“Shit, you’re a bit pricy! Where do you think you are, Amsterdam?”

“I think I’m the best looking girl you’ve seen in months, and you’re desperate for a fuck, so you’ll quite happily part with the 50 quid so I can show you how us grown-ups do it.”

“How old do you think I am?!”

“Come on darling, you and me both know that you’re just a kid. You may have been around the block, judging by the track marks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I'm your senior, and know a bit more than you.”

“Whatever. If I’m paying for this, I don’t want any more backchat like that. I want it my way.”

“I know you’re getting a kick out of it.”

“Are we gonna just stand here and chat about my age all day, or can we go and do this thing?”

Novel.

I'm writing a novel. It's not a nice novel. I have a good idea of the storyline, and it doesn't end pretty. I thought I'd share the first chapter, which is kind of like a prologue.

Chapter One

 

She died in the spring of 2008. They were unfortunate circumstances. Not unfortunate enough to absolve me of all blame, but somehow the word ‘unfortunate’ comforts me. We thought we were entrepreneurs. We were just junkies. Cocaine was so easy. You can make so much out of so little, and the rewards are endless. We had our connection, we had our plan, all we needed was a little luck. Or so we thought. You may be thinking the drugs killed her, and you’d be right, in a way... except, the fatal blow that killed her was from a bullet. One shot fired off by a brutal murderer. One shot, that ended our dream. Since I’m still here, I’m the only one who can tell our story, and it needs to be told. I guess a story should start from the beginning.

Ever since I was a kid I was surrounded by narcotics. I was born in 1980, into a family of drugs. My father, well, he was the kingpin. If you wanted anything, and I mean anything, and you had some relationship with my father, he would get it for you. He was a big shot in London, and the pigs couldn’t touch him. Despite this reputation, he was a good father. He never touched the drugs he was peddling, so he had lots of sense, and certainly lots of love for his family – except my mother. She wasn’t as ‘pure’ as my father. She got hooked on heroin when I was young. So, my father’s decision was to kick her out. “It was for your own good”, he’d tell me, when I knew it was just because he couldn’t be seen married to a junkie. So, it was just me and my father. All he needed was his good clean son. Then came the day I most regret in my life. The day when this whole thing started, and my life became fucked up for eternity.

“Umm... Could I maybe... try some coke, Dad?”

He lost it. I was 15 at the time, and he was horrified at the fact that I had even thought about it. To be honest, I wasn’t all that keen on taking drugs, but I just wanted to throw the question out there, and see what response I got. That line of thinking landed me on my arse. I needed a job and I needed a home. I don’t remember a lot of the next 2 years. All I know is that I took a fuck of a lot of heroin - so much so that I owed money to nearly every dealer in town, and these were not nice dealers. That’s when I met her.

I told you it wasnt pretty.

Reflections.

I'm in a funny mood.

And when I'm in a funny mood, I often feel like blogging, as it helps me figure out why the hell I feel this way.

Right, so as some of you may know, I'm currently in London. I've been feeling more and more homesick, and even more so now that I'm travelling alone. I've also been thinking about the friends I've made through the internet too.

I told myself that I wouldn't ignore the internet. Sure, I'd spend way less time on it, and I'd enjoy the freedom from my computer, but I still wanted to maintain contact. I don't think I've done that very well. I've had very few decent conversations with people, and some people I've pretty much ignored completely. I feel terrible for this.

I also said I'd make videos and vlogs while away. I've failed at that too. Realistically I haven't had the time or space to do vlogs, and I don't mind not having done any. I do feel bad for my subscribers though. I haven't made a video for a month, and it'll be another 2 weeks until the next one. Considering I made 50 videos in 6 months, this isn't my usual level.

I think I will start afresh when I return to NZ. I'm going to have a massive clean-up of my videos, so the number reduces drastically. Also, I may separate my music and my vlogs onto different channels. At the moment I kind of feel like they are competing with one another, and I'm sure some out there would rather watch one or the other. So I think I'll give them that opportunity.

Less vlogging next year I think too. I don't really know who I'm doing it for anymore. I've made so many friends out of this experience, and that's all I really wanted to do through this whole YouTube thing. Clearly filmmaking is not my expertise, so why bother with something I don't have a huge passion for. This is why I may stick largely to music. I get more pleasure out of that.

I've been writing heaps over here. Not just songs and poems, but I've started a novel too. I'll update on how that's going later.

I'll give an update on the trip at a later date. I just can't be fucked talking about myself anymore.

x

.

I feel fucking terrible.

That is all.

Europe: Part 1

So this is one crazy place.

I'll start at the beginning, with a 30 hour plane ride, of which I maybe slept 5. Arriving in Paris I catch the airport train to Gare du Nord. It then takes me half an hour to find my bus to Brussels, and I arrive 5 minutes before departure. Good start then.

Then I get to Brussels, and what a mission that was. It took 45 minutes to find my friends, and we only met by chance. It was a good meeting too. I'd finally arrived properly.

The rest of Brussels was uneventful. One night and a small walk around the next day and that was it, on to Bruges.

Now Bruges is amazing. Don't go to the place expecting it to be like the movie. It's not, and besides, the locals hate tourists coming because of a piece of film. It's amazing. The food was lovely, hearty fare, and the sights were to die for. We hired bikes and went all around the city seeing the famous buildings, and then circling the city itself around the main canal. We were only there for two nights, but it was incredible. Not to be missed.

Then it was back to Brussels for the night, and saying goodbye to our friend Matteo who was going back home. After that a short bus ride to Rotterdam to meet our other freind, where we stayed the night for free. Nice, but very uneventful.

And then it was Amsterdam. Ahh, Amsterdam. We stayed right on the edge of the Red Light District, which was such a bizarre place. Our street was lined with coffeeshops, which took up a lot of our time. Put it this way: 5 days in Amsterdam, one day sightseeing. Oh, and Space Brownies are amazing.

So, that's a short summary of the trip so far, and now I sit in Paris, ready to get some sleep, and then explore this amazing city.

'Till next time.

Out.

I know I've been blogging like crazy, but I've had lots of ideas, so here goes another.

Right, so I've made no secret of my sexuality either here or on YT, but for the most part, while I've been open about it online, I was very much in the closet irl.

Since being a part of the YT community, I've become more comfortable when it comes to actually telling people. Recently I've been telling a lot of my closest friends, and it comes as quite a big weight off my back. Of course, there are some who I have not told, like the people I know who would make it a big deal, and really ruin a friendship. I haven't told my family either, and I think that's a big step. I have an uncle who thinks it's about time we had another gay in the family, and so has taken it upon himself to ensure it's not one in my generation. I know my immediate family wouldn't care, but it's the extended family who I know would judge me, and possibly damage an already estranged relationship they have with my parents. I don't think I'm ready just yet.

A friend of mine recently came out. When he told me, I was a little shocked, but somehow I seemed to know. It's funny, but I think this gaydar thing really exists :P. Anyway, I've been sort of inspired by this to start being more open about myself to my closest family and friends. I think I'm gonna have some fun in Europe, and then start fresh when I get back, and open up.

I'm looking forward to this year.

Skype List

As inspired by TheJoeFrom1993, the world famous pornstar.

1. You are funny and nice. Sometimes a bit full on though.

2. One of my first interwebs friends. I will always have a special place for you.

3. Nothing can describe how incredibly witty and intelligent you are.

4. One of my closest friends now, even though we only started hanging out 2 years ago. I love you.

5. Newest contact, and from the little conversation we have had, I can tell you are a really cool person.

6. You are an amazing person. I would dearly love to get to know you better.

7. We don't really talk, but I don't have anything against you.

8. We should make more music.

9. You are one of the coolest people I have met on YT. Don't ever change.

10. Twitter4Skype. Hmmm, why did I add you?

11. A troubled person at times. We should really talk more, I think we have a lot in common.

12. Another YT contact I don't really talk to.

13. You can be a real bitch at times. You need to suck it up and get over yourself.

14. You make amazing music, and you are a cool guy to top it all off.

15. I wrote a song about you, but you'll never know. I've wanted to be with you since we met, but I know it'll never happen.

16. You always make me laugh. We should hang out.

17. Hi Dad!

18. We don't talk, but you are a nice guy.

19. We were so close when we were young, but distance has really eaten into this relationship.

20. You are funny at times, but then sometimes you take it to far. Grow up a bit.

21. We don't talk much, but we always have nice conversations. I'm glad I met you.

22. You are cute, no matter what you say.

23. You may be my friend's ex-girlfriend, but we have grown to be good friends. I miss you.

24. Don't really know you, don't really care.

25. If anyone will make me religious, it will be you. You should be a priest.

26. You are so lovely and kind. And I kind of have a crush on you.

27. Never talked to you, but your videos are awesome, and you are beautiful.

28. We don't talk. Ever. I don't really want to talk to you.

29. Eh. I only subscribed to you out of courtesy.

30. Whenever I eat chips, I think of you.

31. You seem like a genuine guy, and I would like to talk to you more.

32. You are nice, but you seem socially awkward.

33. Hi Mum!

34. I can't believe our awkward first call has led to an amazing relationship. I really want to meet you in person, but it seems I may miss the chance.

35. You have been all I could ask for in a brother.

36. You are so cute and lovely, but I get the feeling you don't really like me.

37. Bro, I would say you are closer to me than nearly anyone else. Life would be very different without you.

38. I wish you would leave me alone, you're always asking me to call you to test my sound!

39. You're a cool guy, but you try too hard.

40. You inspire me. And I have a crush on you.

41. You are a genius, and I think we have some creative chemistry. Lets make music again.

Let the guessing games begin :D

Aspirations

So I feel like getting a bit personal. I don't know why, I'm just in the mood.

You see, lately I've been thinking about my life, and where I'm going. Now, I've had my share of fun so far in life, but I'm at this stage now where I have to make some kind of decision about the kind of person I'm going to be.

Now, up until around November, I had a fair idea. I was going to do well at University, come away with a degree in Politcal Science, and trot off to Wellington to try and make it in the NZ Political scene. However, last semester at Uni was just shit, and I lost all motivation for working. Then came November 8th, where I realised for the first time in my life that New Zealand is not as smart as I first thought. Thus, I came to the conclusion that in order to gain any traction in NZ Politics, I would have to either be a dickhead like John Key, or wait long enough for someone to fuck NZ up so as to spend my entire political career trying to fix it. As much as it truly pains me to say it, Politics is dead to me.

Then there is the pipe dream of being a musician. However, I'm not technically or creatively gifted enough to be able to exist off music alone. As much as I will be trying to continue this pastime, unless I get really lucky, it will continue to be just a pastime.

This is part of the reason why I'm going to Europe. I need to get away. I need a break from even thinking about myself. It's scary when you lose motivation for nearly everything you loved, and I just need some time to come to terms with myself.

My one mid-term goal for my life is simple. I will look to earn some money, maybe a year of consistently working, and then use the money to get to India, and spend a really extended period of time isolated. I would dearly love to live like a hermit, having no care for myself, and only spend my time looking after others. Sadly, this will take time and money to achieve, and being as unmotivated as I am right now, who knows where this plan will end up.

Then again, my attitude at the moment is a 'fuck it' mentality. I'm using this blog to vent before I go to clear my head. We'll see how I feel when I come back. I'm also looking to use this trip as a chance to experiment with my sexuality. I've had limited chances to do so at home, and I feel that in a foreign environment it may flourish. It may actually give me the courage to come out to my closest family and friends.

Sorry. I talk a lot of shit.

And on that note, I'm off to sleep. Don't take me too seriously. x