I'm Moving...

I realise it has been ages since I've posted here, and there's a reason for that.

There have been a number of instances where I wanted to blog, but couldn't be bothered signing in etc, because I set this up under a different email to my regular email address. Thus, because Blogger is owned by Google, I have to sign out of one gmail, then into the other, and then into here, and it's just a hassle when all I want to do is blog.

So, I'm moving. You'll now be able to find my blog over at http://thewordsoflucas.tumblr.com/

This way, I can easily manage it. It'll still be the same type of blog, while my other tumblr (http://iamlucasjc.tumblr.com/) will be where I'm using it more as a social networking space. This move is only for ease of use, and more regular updates.

Now, sadly I am not technically gifted enough to import my Blogger posts into tumblr, this site will remain up, so should you feel so inclined, you can go back and read old posts.

Anyways, I'm not expecting all of you to convert over, and that's fine. I just need a blogging space as an outlet.

Kia Ora,

Lucas.

Life Plans

Lots of people I know seem to be going through a stage in their life where they think about what the hell they are going to do with themselves. Since I'm approaching 20, and in the last year of my degree, I too have now begun to wonder what I'm going to do when I become a real person.

A number of ideas have crossed my mind. One is to stay at uni, and get a Masters degree. I could quite happily do that, but then I'd still have no idea what the fuck my degree is going to let me do. So while it gives me time to think, I don't think it's going to help overly in the long run.

Another option was move to Wellington. I thought that maybe my degree in Politics can land me some kind of job in the field (funny that), and what better place to do that than in the nation's capital. Not only that, but Wellington is just a fucking cool city. When I go I never want to leave.

Then the experience of Europe opened my eyes to something new. 2 places where I would consider moving: London, or learn French and live in Montmartre in Paris. There is a charm about both places, and it's so far removed from my former life, I think it would finally give me some space to grow up. I really like the idea, but then I isolate myself from all of my friends, which I don't like the thought of. I really like my friends.

Yet another option is to go to India for 6 months to a year. I'm going to do this at some point in my life, but I think that the sooner I do it, the more impact it will have on my life. I don't want to go there at 45, have a realisation, and then say, "Well fuck, I'm too old to do anything about it now". Fuck that.

The final option is to just give up. Give the fuck up on everything, work a shit job, and focus on making a career out of music. I like to envision myself getting my music out there, and making some kind of decent living off it. I don't want to be famous, per se, but just want to have the ability to live comfortably doing something I love. This is really the dream, and even if I do live like shit for the rest of my life, at least I'll be doing something that I love. Yet, parents and friends have opinions, and it will probably bring them great disappointment to find me living like a bum.

My attitude right now is fuck it. I've got at least a year to figure this out. Some options will eliminate themselves. Some I'll give up on. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy this year, because it's possibly the last time I'll get to enjoy being in the same circle of friends I have now.

Electro.

I think I've figured out why I love electronic music so much.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. What it seems to boil down to is a sense of detachment. Electronic music can't be created without technology. While you could argue that technology is made by man, unless you actually create the technology yourself, you can't claim to have done all of the work on the music yourself. You need some form of assistance. So you become somewhat separated from the music that you have made.

This ties into the drug culture of the music too. Things like MDMA produce a kind of out of body experience. It's a detachment from self, and a detachment from others. By putting yourself in this zone, you open the door to thinking about ethereal ideas.

Maybe I'm reaching to deep into this, but it seems to explain the feelings that I had when I first listened to electronically produced music. My mind felt opened up to a whole new world. This was experienced most profoundly when I discovered dubstep. From the moment I heard it, I was in love. It was so obscure, and was almost impossible to relate to, but whenever I hear it, I feel connected. I feel every move in the music, almost predicting where it should go next, and feeling a great sense of satisfaction when it does that, or when it tears down my expectations and goes somewhere else. Yet, there is nothing tying me to the music. I love this sense of connection through detachment.

I could write a whole philosophical discourse on this idea, but I'll leave it at that. I don't want to bore you. I'll just leave you with one of my favourite dubstep tracks of all time. If you don't like it, I don't mind. It's quite progressive, so it may seem a bit harsh on the ears.

Enough talking, more music:

Meditation

My philosophy teacher in high school is the most amazing guy.

Every Friday, instead of doing anything in class, he would take us to the chapel (yes, it was a catholic school), and we would all lie down, listen to music, and meditate. At the time, I used to think of it really as just a time to not do any work and chill out, but looking back, I think it had a profound effect. 

2006, my last year of high school, would probably rank as one of the best years of my life. I really enjoyed myself. I never worried about anything. Past, present or future, none of it mattered. I was just enjoying life.

Since then, I've found myself in a downward spiral. I'm too afraid to use the word 'depressed', because I think that's offensive to those who are actually clinically diagnosed with depression. I've been getting steadily worse though. Sure, I still enjoy my life in general, but I get more worried, I smoke more, I drink more, take drugs etc. I'm no longer in a happy little bubble.

Still, I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up. Yet, lately, I found I often feel better if I spend some time just meditating. In the short term, I find it quite draining. This is because I'm not practicing zen meditation, where the object is to clear the mind. Instead, I flood my mind. I bring out everything that's been troubling me, and reflect on it. Then I feel like I do right now: fucking horrible. I will go to bed, probably have an awful sleep, and just feel crap.

However, it's the after effects which I aim for. For the next week or so, life is good. So for me, that's the price to pay. Have one fucking awful night a week, and life will be good for the next while.

It won't work for everyone. This is just how I do it. And it's how I end up blogging too. :P

Her.

People seem to be intrigued by the woman introduced in the first chapter. So as another little teaser, here is their first conversation. I trust it'll leave you wanting more ;)

“How much?”

“30, 50”

“Shit, you’re a bit pricy! Where do you think you are, Amsterdam?”

“I think I’m the best looking girl you’ve seen in months, and you’re desperate for a fuck, so you’ll quite happily part with the 50 quid so I can show you how us grown-ups do it.”

“How old do you think I am?!”

“Come on darling, you and me both know that you’re just a kid. You may have been around the block, judging by the track marks, but it doesn’t change the fact that I'm your senior, and know a bit more than you.”

“Whatever. If I’m paying for this, I don’t want any more backchat like that. I want it my way.”

“I know you’re getting a kick out of it.”

“Are we gonna just stand here and chat about my age all day, or can we go and do this thing?”

Novel.

I'm writing a novel. It's not a nice novel. I have a good idea of the storyline, and it doesn't end pretty. I thought I'd share the first chapter, which is kind of like a prologue.

Chapter One

 

She died in the spring of 2008. They were unfortunate circumstances. Not unfortunate enough to absolve me of all blame, but somehow the word ‘unfortunate’ comforts me. We thought we were entrepreneurs. We were just junkies. Cocaine was so easy. You can make so much out of so little, and the rewards are endless. We had our connection, we had our plan, all we needed was a little luck. Or so we thought. You may be thinking the drugs killed her, and you’d be right, in a way... except, the fatal blow that killed her was from a bullet. One shot fired off by a brutal murderer. One shot, that ended our dream. Since I’m still here, I’m the only one who can tell our story, and it needs to be told. I guess a story should start from the beginning.

Ever since I was a kid I was surrounded by narcotics. I was born in 1980, into a family of drugs. My father, well, he was the kingpin. If you wanted anything, and I mean anything, and you had some relationship with my father, he would get it for you. He was a big shot in London, and the pigs couldn’t touch him. Despite this reputation, he was a good father. He never touched the drugs he was peddling, so he had lots of sense, and certainly lots of love for his family – except my mother. She wasn’t as ‘pure’ as my father. She got hooked on heroin when I was young. So, my father’s decision was to kick her out. “It was for your own good”, he’d tell me, when I knew it was just because he couldn’t be seen married to a junkie. So, it was just me and my father. All he needed was his good clean son. Then came the day I most regret in my life. The day when this whole thing started, and my life became fucked up for eternity.

“Umm... Could I maybe... try some coke, Dad?”

He lost it. I was 15 at the time, and he was horrified at the fact that I had even thought about it. To be honest, I wasn’t all that keen on taking drugs, but I just wanted to throw the question out there, and see what response I got. That line of thinking landed me on my arse. I needed a job and I needed a home. I don’t remember a lot of the next 2 years. All I know is that I took a fuck of a lot of heroin - so much so that I owed money to nearly every dealer in town, and these were not nice dealers. That’s when I met her.

I told you it wasnt pretty.

Reflections.

I'm in a funny mood.

And when I'm in a funny mood, I often feel like blogging, as it helps me figure out why the hell I feel this way.

Right, so as some of you may know, I'm currently in London. I've been feeling more and more homesick, and even more so now that I'm travelling alone. I've also been thinking about the friends I've made through the internet too.

I told myself that I wouldn't ignore the internet. Sure, I'd spend way less time on it, and I'd enjoy the freedom from my computer, but I still wanted to maintain contact. I don't think I've done that very well. I've had very few decent conversations with people, and some people I've pretty much ignored completely. I feel terrible for this.

I also said I'd make videos and vlogs while away. I've failed at that too. Realistically I haven't had the time or space to do vlogs, and I don't mind not having done any. I do feel bad for my subscribers though. I haven't made a video for a month, and it'll be another 2 weeks until the next one. Considering I made 50 videos in 6 months, this isn't my usual level.

I think I will start afresh when I return to NZ. I'm going to have a massive clean-up of my videos, so the number reduces drastically. Also, I may separate my music and my vlogs onto different channels. At the moment I kind of feel like they are competing with one another, and I'm sure some out there would rather watch one or the other. So I think I'll give them that opportunity.

Less vlogging next year I think too. I don't really know who I'm doing it for anymore. I've made so many friends out of this experience, and that's all I really wanted to do through this whole YouTube thing. Clearly filmmaking is not my expertise, so why bother with something I don't have a huge passion for. This is why I may stick largely to music. I get more pleasure out of that.

I've been writing heaps over here. Not just songs and poems, but I've started a novel too. I'll update on how that's going later.

I'll give an update on the trip at a later date. I just can't be fucked talking about myself anymore.

x