Life Plans

Lots of people I know seem to be going through a stage in their life where they think about what the hell they are going to do with themselves. Since I'm approaching 20, and in the last year of my degree, I too have now begun to wonder what I'm going to do when I become a real person.

A number of ideas have crossed my mind. One is to stay at uni, and get a Masters degree. I could quite happily do that, but then I'd still have no idea what the fuck my degree is going to let me do. So while it gives me time to think, I don't think it's going to help overly in the long run.

Another option was move to Wellington. I thought that maybe my degree in Politics can land me some kind of job in the field (funny that), and what better place to do that than in the nation's capital. Not only that, but Wellington is just a fucking cool city. When I go I never want to leave.

Then the experience of Europe opened my eyes to something new. 2 places where I would consider moving: London, or learn French and live in Montmartre in Paris. There is a charm about both places, and it's so far removed from my former life, I think it would finally give me some space to grow up. I really like the idea, but then I isolate myself from all of my friends, which I don't like the thought of. I really like my friends.

Yet another option is to go to India for 6 months to a year. I'm going to do this at some point in my life, but I think that the sooner I do it, the more impact it will have on my life. I don't want to go there at 45, have a realisation, and then say, "Well fuck, I'm too old to do anything about it now". Fuck that.

The final option is to just give up. Give the fuck up on everything, work a shit job, and focus on making a career out of music. I like to envision myself getting my music out there, and making some kind of decent living off it. I don't want to be famous, per se, but just want to have the ability to live comfortably doing something I love. This is really the dream, and even if I do live like shit for the rest of my life, at least I'll be doing something that I love. Yet, parents and friends have opinions, and it will probably bring them great disappointment to find me living like a bum.

My attitude right now is fuck it. I've got at least a year to figure this out. Some options will eliminate themselves. Some I'll give up on. All I know is that I'm going to enjoy this year, because it's possibly the last time I'll get to enjoy being in the same circle of friends I have now.

Electro.

I think I've figured out why I love electronic music so much.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. What it seems to boil down to is a sense of detachment. Electronic music can't be created without technology. While you could argue that technology is made by man, unless you actually create the technology yourself, you can't claim to have done all of the work on the music yourself. You need some form of assistance. So you become somewhat separated from the music that you have made.

This ties into the drug culture of the music too. Things like MDMA produce a kind of out of body experience. It's a detachment from self, and a detachment from others. By putting yourself in this zone, you open the door to thinking about ethereal ideas.

Maybe I'm reaching to deep into this, but it seems to explain the feelings that I had when I first listened to electronically produced music. My mind felt opened up to a whole new world. This was experienced most profoundly when I discovered dubstep. From the moment I heard it, I was in love. It was so obscure, and was almost impossible to relate to, but whenever I hear it, I feel connected. I feel every move in the music, almost predicting where it should go next, and feeling a great sense of satisfaction when it does that, or when it tears down my expectations and goes somewhere else. Yet, there is nothing tying me to the music. I love this sense of connection through detachment.

I could write a whole philosophical discourse on this idea, but I'll leave it at that. I don't want to bore you. I'll just leave you with one of my favourite dubstep tracks of all time. If you don't like it, I don't mind. It's quite progressive, so it may seem a bit harsh on the ears.

Enough talking, more music:

Meditation

My philosophy teacher in high school is the most amazing guy.

Every Friday, instead of doing anything in class, he would take us to the chapel (yes, it was a catholic school), and we would all lie down, listen to music, and meditate. At the time, I used to think of it really as just a time to not do any work and chill out, but looking back, I think it had a profound effect. 

2006, my last year of high school, would probably rank as one of the best years of my life. I really enjoyed myself. I never worried about anything. Past, present or future, none of it mattered. I was just enjoying life.

Since then, I've found myself in a downward spiral. I'm too afraid to use the word 'depressed', because I think that's offensive to those who are actually clinically diagnosed with depression. I've been getting steadily worse though. Sure, I still enjoy my life in general, but I get more worried, I smoke more, I drink more, take drugs etc. I'm no longer in a happy little bubble.

Still, I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up. Yet, lately, I found I often feel better if I spend some time just meditating. In the short term, I find it quite draining. This is because I'm not practicing zen meditation, where the object is to clear the mind. Instead, I flood my mind. I bring out everything that's been troubling me, and reflect on it. Then I feel like I do right now: fucking horrible. I will go to bed, probably have an awful sleep, and just feel crap.

However, it's the after effects which I aim for. For the next week or so, life is good. So for me, that's the price to pay. Have one fucking awful night a week, and life will be good for the next while.

It won't work for everyone. This is just how I do it. And it's how I end up blogging too. :P